Absolutely Evil
by lawless523
Summary: An excerpt from Eiri’s journal on his birthday immediately after first meeting Shuichi. A meditation on Shuichi’s infatuation and Eiri’s mortality. One-shot.


_**Absolutely Evil**_

_**Rating**_: OT, for language and adult content and concepts.

_**Warning:**_ This story deals with an M/M pairing. If this disturbs you, why are you reading Gravitation fanfiction? LEAVE NOW AND DO NOT READ.

_**Disclaimers:**_ I don't own the rights to these characters and I don't make any money from them; Maki Murakami, Gentosha, TokyoPop and RightStuf do. I do, however, let the guys out to play . . . with each other.

_**Summary: **_An excerpt from Eiri's journal on his birthday immediately after first meeting Shuichi. A meditation on Shuichi's infatuation and Eiri's mortality. Inspired by Shuichi's comment in Volume 3, Track 9 that Eiri was "absolutely evil." Written for Gravi Muse Meet's birthday challenge for Eiri's birthday on 23 February 2009.

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Uesugi Eiri's journal, 23 February, 20___ (in its original language)

I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never "absolutely evil". I've had lovers tell me off before, but I've never continued to see them afterward.

I hate other people asking me "why" but I can't help asking myself that. All the women I ever dated were only interested in me for my money, my looks, for the sex, for the status. We had good times together but that's all it was: shallow and superficial, just like them.

Is it because he's a guy? He claims he's not gay either. I get the impression that he's never had a girlfriend. He tells me that he was on a date with a girl his friend Hiro had set him up with the day I almost ran him over with my Mercedes. Obviously the date was a bust. He ran away from her to find me.

It was clear to me from the first time I kissed him that he was a virgin. Only a virgin would lose control so easily. I was a little surprised. I didn't know there were kids like him left around Tokyo. It seems like everyone else is hooking up. Girls go on compensated dates so they can afford the latest handbags, designer clothes, electronic gadgets, and expensive vacations. It feels sometimes like I've dated some of them.

He says I'm the first person he's fallen in love with. He claims I'm the last too but I don't know about that. He's pretty young and insecure. Who knows what he'll feel like in a year? It's not like he's been checking out the other fish in the sea. Maybe he'll get bored with me and more interested in girls.

I keep shoving him away and he keeps shoving his way back into my home and into my life. He even … I can't bring myself to type what he let those guys do to him to protect me and my shining reputation.

I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I didn't need other people. Fuck, I didn't think I _wanted_ other people. I _don't _want other people. So why do I want him?

Maybe he's right. Maybe I am absolutely evil. After all, I _killed_ my first love. I don't care how much I was "provoked", as the lawyers put it, it still isn't right to take another human being's life. At least that's what I was raised to believe. And if you believe in such things, which I don't anymore, I lost any chance of ending the cycle of rebirth we humans are enmeshed in when I killed him.

Fuck, I'm doomed anyway. Might as well enjoy life while I'm still here, even if it means snatching love and affection that I don't deserve in the least from a brash, loud schoolboy who doesn't know the first thing about me and who I'm sure would hate me if he did.

What morbid thoughts I'm having on my birthday. Yay me. Happy birthday to me. I'm sure I'll receive birthday greetings from my brother, sister, and brother-in-law. Oh, and my editor, of course. And the moron, if someone's told him it's my birthday. I certainly haven't. I doubt I'll hear from my father, nor do I want to. I have no use for his brand of hypocrisy.

I think I'll go have another cigarette and a stiff drink now. Tonight I deserve something better than watered down beer for surviving this long. And maybe some hot sex with my new craving.

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A/N: The tone is due to the putative author not being all that happy to have lived another year. He wrote it in English so Shuichi couldn't read it. Keep in mind this is set early in their relationship.

I realize from internal evidence that it's unlikely that Eiri and Shuichi's relationship had developed this far on his first birthday after meeting Shuichi but I couldn't resist turning this into a birthday meditation.

"Compensated dating" is the practice some Japanese teenage girls engage in of going out with wealthy older men with for dates and possibly sex. Sometimes the only material reward is the date itself - going to a nice restaurant or club - sometimes the material reward is an expensive present, and sometimes the material reward is cash. Participants tend to think of it as a form of dating and not as a form of prostitution.

For articles highly critical of the "compensated dating" phenomenon, see:

./topics/men/name_brand_beauties_on_

For a scholarly article on the phenomenon written by a native of Japan, see:

.edu/sociological/MEJS/Student%20Papers/2007/Yoshie%20Udagawa%


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